Death Watch Journal (Execution Rescheduled)

On Friday, September 01, 2017, Florida governor Rick Scott decided that it was time kill me again and signed an order rescheduling my previously “stayed” execution for Thursday October 5, 2017. That gave me about 35 days to live. By that afternoon I was pulled (not forcibly) from my regular death row cell on “G-wing” and escorted up to the front of the prison and brought to an office where FSP warden Barry Reddish then read the governor’s order to me and then it was back down that long main corridor to the very end of the prison where the heavy steel door leads on to “Q-wing.”

The bottom floor of Q-wing is Florida’s execution chamber as well as the 3 cells that house the condemned prisoners while on “death watch.” Since they just put Mark Asay to death last week (August 24) I was the only prisoner down here and was placed in “cell one” (see Cell 1— PBS documentary, featuring myself), to once again slowly count down what the state of Florida intends to be my last days in this life.

The question now is where do we go from here? I must first accept the reality that especially since current governor Rick Scott began his unprecedented campaign to kill as many prisoners as he could — he’s running for the U.S. Senate and in these southern states nothing wins more votes than a good old fashioned lynching — not even one person he’s targeted for execution has survived.

That’s just the reality of it and so going into this I must accept that the odds are stacked against me. By confronting and accepting that truth, I can at least come to terms with it.

But with that said, my lawyers seem somewhat confident that at the very least we have a good chance of having the courts put a stop to all this on the one big issue of whether Florida can continue to execute those who have been illegally sentenced to death. This is generally referred to as the “Hurst” issue and it is what the Florida Supreme Court ordered a stay of execution on in my case only last year when I was originally scheduled for execution on February 11, 2016.

This issue comes from the January 2016 decision by the U.S. Supreme Court in Hurst v Florida in which by a rare super majority (8 to 1 vote) the Supreme Court recognized that the way Florida was sentencing prisoners to death by allowing the judge to determine the sentence was illegal, as under the Constitution any such sentence has to be determined by a jury.

In the aftermath of the Hurst v Florida decision, Florida change the laws on the death penalty., now not only requiring that the jury determine the sentence (life or death) but that it must do so by a unanimous vote (12 to 0) instead of the simple majority previously required.

However, in Mark Asay  v State of Florida, the Florida Supreme Court decided that they would allow this substantial change of law to be retroactively applied only as far back as 2002. Specifically, the Court decided by a marginal majority that those illegally sentenced to death after June 2002 would have their sentences thrown out, but those illegally sentenced before June 2002 would not. This “partial retroactivity” rule is unprecedented and as the lawyers are arguing, creates an arbitrary process that is itself unconstitutional.

                                                                   

                                                            - Photo by Rune Eraker -


This issue was not resolved in Mark Asay’s case as he didn’t want his lawyers to pursue it. Although they did superficially present this “partial retroactivity” to the court, it was not fully addressed. My case will now be the first one to fully address this issue, but it is expected that the Florida Supreme Court will be very unreceptive to the issue — after all, they are the ones that created this absurd rule. For that reason, it’s far more likely that if it is fully addressed, it will be by the U.S. Supreme Court, and we won’t know if they will grant review until only shortly before the scheduled execution.

While that issue appears to be what the lawyers will undoubtedly focus on I do have at least 3 other appeals already pending in the courts, which focus on my consistently pled claim of actual innocence.

As those already familiar with my case know (see www.southerninjustice.net) I have maintained my innocence in this wholly circumstantial case (i.e, no eye witnesses, no physical or forensic evidence, no confessions, etc.) and there is a virtual wealth of readily available evidence, including including DNA evidence — that supports my claim of innocence, but the courts have refused to allow this evidence to be heard because they say that my lawyers failed to present it in my original “post conviction” appeal.

Before Governor Scott signed the order rescheduling my execution, my lawyers filed a comprehensive “Petition For Writ of Habeas Corpus” in the Florida Supreme Court; (see Cary Michael Lambrix v Julie Jones, Case No. SC17-5153) that fully summarizes how the collective evidence does establish my actual innocence and that I am entitled to have this evidence heard before they kill me. Also, in this original “actual innocence” habeas, my lawyers challenge the Florida Supreme Court’s earlier denial of our request for DNA testing — the Court stated that DNA testing was already done, but that simply is not true and our argument is that the courts cannot deny in a case presenting a claim of actual innocence, on clearly false pretenses.

Additionally, I have two separate appeals still pending before the U.S. Supreme Court, both arguing why I was wrongfully convicted. In Cary Michael Lambrix v Julie Jones, we argue that the federal court’s refusal to allow the evidence establishing my actual innocence heard violates established federal law. If the U.S. Supreme Court grants review of that case, not only would it probably lead to my own exoneration and release, but it would open the door to forcing the Florida federal courts to allow other cases to be heard.

Last, in the other case already pending before the U.S. Supreme Court, Cary Michael Lambrix v State of Florida, case17-5539 we argue that the Florida Supreme Court violated its own rules by denying me a new trial on the issue based on irrefutable evidence that my appointed public defender that represented me at trial was secretly acting as a witness against me to the FBI, and that  under long-established federal law this undisclosed “conflict of interest” requires the court to throw out my convictions and order a new trial.

Bottom line is that I do have numerous strong appeals already pending and several more that haven’t been filed yet. Legally, I’m in a better position now than I have been in many years. But we also know that one of the reasons that Governor Scott hand picks which cases he will sign a death warrant on is because he is deliberately stacking the deck — he knows that once you’re “under warrant” the politics of Trump justice and the courts are significantly less receptive to anything you file - even becoming openly hostile. That’s why nobody has survived a death warrant under Governor Scott — I’m the only one still alive.

                                          

I don’t know how this will play out. I don’t have any confidence in our legal system as it has long been corrupted by the “politics of death,” and proven itself only too willing to sacrifice the innocent. But I am blessed with my friends who will advocate my case the best that they can…. politics work both ways. Maybe with their help we can turn the politics of death to our advantage. Maybe.

Read Mike's moving essay written for his sister Why the Butterflies Must Die at MinutesBeforeSix

Death Watch Journal (Part 28)

March 2, 2017

Sometimes I wonder whether this thing called "hope" is my greatest adversary, existing only to torment me, to break me...could hope be my nemesis, capable of a conscious form of malevolence not unlike the fictional sirens depicted in Homer's "Odyssey", their seductive charm luring the passing sailors to their death, and so too does this entity of hope haunt me on countless sleepless nights as I grasp desperately upon those fragile strings of hope as I look down into that darkness of the abyss beneath me.

I remember the one scene in the movie "Shawshank Redemption", where the old and experienced convict (Morgan Freeman) sat in the prison chow hall, offering his sage advice to the new arrivals...telling them to forget about hope of freedom, as it will drive you crazy - maybe he was right.

As I write this today, it is March 2, 2017, and today marks exactly 34 years since I was arrested on these capital charges that subsequently led to me being convicted and condemned to death for a crime I did not commit.

It's been a long and hard journey and sometimes I wonder how I have managed to maintain my sanity - and again, sometimes I wonder whether I really have as perhaps I'm the only one who cannot see that I actually went nuts years ago.

Last year I yet again counted down the days to my own scheduled execution, only to receive a 'temporary stay of execution' and was removed from my "death watch cell" two days before I was to die. It wasn't the first time that I faced relatively imminent execution and I know the State of Florida will continue to use all available resources at their disposal to have me executed yet.

For most of the past year I had reason to hope that the January 2016 decision by the US Supreme Court in Hurst v Florida, 136 S.Ct. 616 (2016) (which declared that the manner in which Florida imposes a sentence of death - allowing a judge rather than the jury make the ultimate decision on death, violated long standing fundamental constitutional rights that rendered such death sentences illegal) would lead to having my own death sentences thrown out. In fact, this is the issue that the Florida Supreme Court ordered a stay of execution on.

                                                          

But on December 22, 201 - just before Christmas - the Florida Supreme Court crushed that hope when it issued it's ruling in Mark Asay v State of Florida recognizing that under Hurst v Florida there was no question Florida death sentences were imposed illegally and finding that all those sentenced to death after 2002 would be entitled to have their illegally imposed death sentences vacated - but that because it would be too much of a burden on the State to correct all these illegally imposed sentences, they would not throw out the death sentences imposed prior to 2002. My death sentence was imposed in 1984 and was affirmed on direct appeal in 1986, which meant that under Asay v State, I would not be entitled to relief under Hurst v Florida. Just that quickly, my hopes were crushed.

Although the Florida Supreme Court still has not actually issued any ruling in my own case yet, I had to accept that when they did, they would deny my appeal consistent with Asay v State, as they have numerous other similar pre-2002 capital cases in the past few months.

With my hope of being granted relief crushed, I began to mentally prepare myself for what I was sure would soon follow...the denial of relief in my case and having my previously stayed execution rescheduled.

Since that decision in Asay v State that seemingly sealed my fate, I spent the last two months letting my family and friends know that they should expect the court to soon deny my appeal, and that I would then be recheduled for execution again - and since the state and federal courts have consistently refused to even look at the readily available evidence substantiating my consistently plead claim of innocence, they should be prepared for that rescheduled execution carried out.

Clearly, I felt that there was no reason to yet again hope for any chance of proving my innocence, and mentally I prepared myself to die, and I was not alone as when I shared this news with others, while most of those closest to me stood by me that much more, a few apparently decided that they didn't want to stick around just to watch me die and I haven't heard from them since - and who could blame them?

Little by little I began going through my personal property, weeding out what I would throw away so that when I was put to death it wouldn't be a burden on my family...I was prepared to die, again.

Then out of the blue come the phone call from my lawyers the other day, letting me know that on February 22, 2017 the US Supreme Court issued it's decision in the Texas capital case of  Duane Buck v Davis, in which the court addressed the issue of whether a prisoner can seek and be granted relief on a previously denied federal appeal based upon ineffectiveness of legal counsel in that earlier appeal, by employing a procedural motion to reopen that earlier case under Federal Rule of Procedure 60 (b), and the court agreed that equitable relief under extraordinary circumstances to prevent manifest injustice would be pursued and granted under Rule 60 (b).

Suddenly hope again sprung forth - the Supreme Courts unequivocal recognition that relief from an unjust conviction or death sentence could be granted by way of Rule 60 (b) meant that my own long pending Federal appeal arguing exactly that point would now have to be granted, opening the procedural door to finally receiving a full review of all the evidence substantiating my innocence. And if allowed to be heard, I would finally be exonerated, and win my fight for my freedom.

For the next few days I felt giddy - more than just happy, I was elated, especially when I was able to share this good news with my family, as they too hung desperately to every string of hope.

But as is the nature of hope, after that initial elation ran it's course, I found myself slowly sinking back into the depths of hopelessness and despair, reminding myself that in these past 34 years again and again I allowed myself to become convinced that truth and justice would prevail, only to have that hope crushed.

This Buck v Davis case should compel the federal courts to finally address the evidence substantiating my innocence and by every right and reason I should be elated - that previously unyielding door has been cracked open, But if I've learned nothing else these past decade after decade, it is that you cannot count on our courts to do the right thing. And for that reason I will not throw myself upon the rocks as that seductive siren call of renewed hope tries yet again to suck me in.

Death Watch Journal (part 24)

It's been a full year now since my death warrant was signed, scheduling my execution for February 11, 2016. Against the odds, I'm still alive although my longterm fate remains uncertain. I was the 23rd death warrant signed by Governor Scott and the 22 before me were all executed...I am the first one to survive a death warrant under Governor Scott.

Being that I loosely subscribe to Christian values, although I make no secret for my contempt of the hypocrisy of contemporary organized religion and the way it has corrupted the fundamental values of true Christianity by promoting hate and intolerance in the name of God.

At times I wonder how deeply I might scar my own spiritual consciousness when I find myself praying that those who so quickly judge me be then judged by that same measure...could I be wrong when I do that? Or is that what true justice is all about?

It's been a difficult year and I've been incredibly blessed by my small group of loyal friends who have gone above and beyond the call of duty to keep my hope and strenght up. When I find myself wondering what true grace is, I find my answer in them and I certainly don't deserve to be blessed with that depth of genuine compassion they o generously extend. And I know only too well that they are my strength, that without that selfless support they've given, i would not have had the strenght to make it through the past year.

When I look back over the past year, what i realize is that this prolonged uncertainty of my fate has not only touched me deeply, but it has inflicted immeasurable pain upon those that care so deeply about me. I can see it in the faces of my family when they visit as they anxiously ask me for the latest updates and I can read it inthe letters of my closest friends as they try so hard to avoid that proverbial "elephant in the room", putting so much of themselves into trying to keep me positive and keep that hope alive, and yet I can feel pain, and that uncertainty that we all try to ignore.

But then there's the hope - and good reason for hope too. While in the larger context the death penalty in general seems to become less popular, here in Florida there's good reason to believe that it is on it's last leg and that any day now the Florida Supreme Court will effectively vacate the majority of the death sentences. (Note: After Mike wrote this blog post the Florida Supreme Court ruled, read it here: the Florida Supreme Court decision of December 22, 2016

and more info here )

 

As I write this blog, I feel confident that within the coming weeks my own death sentence will be thrown out. But at the same time, I cannot shake the reality that I am still under an active death warrant, and I am still next in line for execution. I'm caught between those two extremes and the prolonged uncertainty is itself a heavy weight that makes hope difficult.

I can't help but wonder whether many over there in society even give a moments thought to this punishment they've inflicted. I'd like to think that as a whole, we are a "civilized" society - that most people are "good" in nature even if all of us are still imperfect creatures.

But I'm troubled by the complete absence of debate specifically on how long any indvidual should remain under an active death warrant and be forced to endure that ever present threat of being put to death, I know only too well that there will be those relatively few who will not hesitate to say I alone am responsible - and if I have a problem with remaining under an active death warrant so long that all I need to do is waive my appeals and they'll gladly kill me tomorrow...and these are the same people who want to call the condemned "evil".

But what about the majority of others? Do they even give it a moments thought at all? Here in America we are a constitutional democracy and as such government power is limited to that which the majority allows. Maybe this is what they meant when someone once said "ignorance is bliss" as I don't think the majority even give it any thought - out of sight, out of mind". I'd like to think that I do try to keep up with the greater public debate on the death penalty but I cannot recall ever hearing any debate on just how long any person should remain under an active death warrant facing that imminent fear of death before it crosses that moral line and amounts to torture.

And then there is - that one word...torture. Funny thing about the way we too often define what is, or is not, "torture" is that it comes down to our own perspective. And if we as an individual or collective society are the ones imposing a particular punishment upon someone we feel is worthy of nothing less, then we conveniently insulate ourselves with that whole "the end justifies the means" mentality. My punishment is death and if keeping me under an active death warrant facing that imminent threat of death for a year, or even longer, is what it takes to inflict that punishment on me or any other, then it cannot possibly amount up to "torture" as its obviously necessary to accomplish that objective of inflicting death.

Not long ago I read a book called "Imagine Heaven" by John Burke and it has got me thinking a lot about these things. In this book it provided the accounts of many people who had "near death experiences" and found themselves peeking into the other side - a glimmer into Heaven, or for some, a reality check in hell. But what impressed me the most was that without exception, each person came away with the same truth...that what effects our spiritual conciousness the most is not so much the sins we've committed, but how our actions have impacted others.

                                                             

The pain we inflict upon others inevidibly becomes our own eternal pain. There are many who, without even knowing anything about the facts of my case (that evidence is readily available to substantiate my consistently pled claim of innocence, but the courts refuse to allow it to be fully heard on procedural grounds - please see. http://www.southerninjustice.net/ ) are only too ready to advocate any measure of pain they can inflict upon me. That is who they are. But there will always be those few who have only hate in their hearts.

I'd like to think that most would not condone a system that would keep any person under an active death warrant for over a year. Id like to think that the absence of opposition is the product of unawareness. I'd like to think that as a society, individually and collectively, we are better than that. But are we? I am still under an active death warrant.

Letter from Death Watch (part 8)

Another week already gone, and as I write this today there’s less than two weeks to go before my scheduled execution. It’s been a relatively quiet week and I smiled when the thought of “the calm before the storm” comes to mind, as I know that as we move into that final stretch it will pick up.

On Thursday they will elevate me to the next phase. Since my death warrant was signed on November 30, I’ve been on “phase II” but per protocol once I reach that last seven days prior to execution; things change. Right now I’m allowed to keep all my property in my cell and it’s not much different that regular death row confinement beyond the fact that the death watch cell is significantly larger.

Once I graduate to the next phase (phase I) they will remove all my property from my cell and post an officer just outside my cell 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He will have a forest green “death watch log” and record my every movement. This is similar to “suicide watch” and its sole purpose is to make sure that the condemned prisoner doesn’t deprive the state out of its intended execution by committing suicide. Once I graduate to the next stage even my lawyers will no longer be allowed regular visits in the death watch interview room, but will only be allowed to see me in the non-contact visitation area through glass. This ensures that even the lawyers cannot pass anything to the condemned prisoner.

It’s all about the methodical process designed to force the condemned to become a willing participant in his or her murder. I know from their perspective, this process is meticulously tuned to ensure that the intended execution goes by the book without unexpected interruption

But more so than anything else, what bothers me the most about this whole process is just how incredibly cold and calculated it is, as if those responsible have completely forgotten that they are taking a human life. It really is nothing less than the “machinery of death.” And I really do have to wonder just how much of their own humanity those responsible for carrying out this act of taking a human life must abandon as nothing about this process is “normal.”

Maybe that’s exactly the point… maybe they need this process themselves so that they can detach from the reality that they are killing a fellow human being. Maybe by becoming so fixated on each minute detail, it provides them that luxury of pushing aside the reality that they are killing another person.

                                                     

I suppose if that’s true, then it helps that most of those who are assigned to assist in this execution ritual have done it many times. One officer recently told me that he’s been down here for at least the last 25 executions. At some point, it probably gets easier. At some point they probably don’t even lose any sleep over it… it’s just a job. And that’s kind of scary.

At least I accomplished one small thing this week. In January this year when they killed Oscar Bolin as I was forced to remain in my death watch cell only feet away, I found out that they would not allow communion on the day of execution. Most Americans claim to be Christian and would find it offensive that a condemned prisoner would be denied communion when having his last spiritual visit.

When I realized that this was the case, I asked several people responsible for this process why they would not allow the condemned prisoner to take communion ~ which is unquestionably one of the fundamental tenets of any Christian faith. And other than allowing communion interfered with their last day protocol, nobody could give me an answer as to why. Apparently, nobody had ever questioned this before.

Unable to get any explanation at institutional level, I then brought this to the attention of my lawyers. Just by coincidence, my top lawyer Neil Dupree ( head of CCRC) was in Tallahassee to participate in budget conferences and in the same room as the FDOC Secretary Julie Jones.

As I understand it, Mr. Dupree took a moment to talk to Julie Jones and simply asked her why it was that condemned prisoners were not allowed to receive communion on execution day and apparently Ms. jones did not even know that this was not allowed and assured Mr. Dupree that she would look into it immediately.

Early the next morning the prisons Assistant Warden came down to death watch and discussed this issue with me, in a polite and respectful manner. Just that easily, the issue was resolved ~ I would be allowed to receive communion from the Catholic priest on the day of my scheduled execution. But I wonder whether those who face execution in the future will think to inquire as apparently I was the first to simply ask.

This past week I was kept busy by the lawyers as the various appeals were submitted to the courts. Since the Hurst v Florida decision was handed down from the U.S. Supreme Court on January 12 declaring Florida’s death penalty statute unconstitutional, many of the top lawyers have joined my legal team as now my own case will decide whether that court decision applies to everyone on death row, or maybe to no one  at all. Oral arguments before the Florida Supreme Court will be interesting. (If you missed these oral arguments you can pull them up at any time at http://www.wfsu.org/gavel2gavel/viewcase.php?eid=2314)

With all the attention of this Hurst v Florida issue, I’m increasingly worried that the lawyers are not pursuing my numerous other issues as aggressively. For one thing, I just don’t have any confidence that the Florida Supreme Court will rule favorably on this Hurst case. Of the seven justices on that court, most are former death penalty prosecutors themselves (they each are politically hand picked, so that’s not just a coincidence) and not even one of them opposes the death penalty. And this court has already sent at least 30 men to their execution since 2002 when the US Supreme Court first ruled this process was wrong. I just don’t see that court suddenly willing to do the right thing. What’s important to me is my long and consistently pled claim of innocence and that it continues to be argued before the Florida Supreme Court and in the Federal Courts. But with this attention on this Hurst issue, my claims that argue my innocence are being neglected and I’m not happy about that ~ and there’s not a damned thing I can do about that either.

Some time this next week the lawyers will file my appeal on the innocence claims in the Eleventh Circuit Court of Appeals. I also expect nothing from that court as my case was assigned to the three most extremely pro death penalty judges (Carnes, Hull, and Tjoulat), so the most I can hope for is that once those judges rubber stamp that federal denied (as they do all death row appeals) then we can try to get the US Supreme Court to grant review.

But the clock continues to count down and each day I’m that much closer to my death. It’s still a matter of days, but soon it will be a matter of hours.

Note: Michael Lambrix was granted an indefinite stay of execution on February 2, 2016.He has now been moved to a regular death row cell at Florida State Prison, while still being under warrant.

Anyone wanting to send a card or letter to Mike, please write to:

Michael Lambrix #482053
Florida State Prison G1204
7819 NW 228th street
Raiford Florida 32026-1100

Letter from Death Watch (part 7)

When the Governor first signed my death warrant on November 30, 2015 scheduling my execution for February 11, 2016, I had 73 days until they planned to kill me. As I write this , I’m now down to 18 days. To keep us occupied ~ if we were to go nuts awaiting our execution then they couldn’t kill us as the Supreme Court has said that violates the Eighth Amendment prohibition to execute a prisoner that has become “mentally incompetent” ~ they have installed a 40 inch flat screen television on the wall in front of cell one, which I watch regularly.

Funny thing though, as the days passed I have noticed that there are previews for more shows that I would really like to watch, but they won’t come on until after my scheduled execution and I find myself saying that it sucks as now I’m going to miss that show. For example, many years ago I faithfully watched every episode of the science fiction series “X-Files,” but then the series ended with a lot of unanswered questions.

Recently the Fox Network brought it back for a six show mini series to answer some of those questions we all waited so long to be resolved. And I was anxiously awaiting its return. However, it doesn’t begin until Sunday January 24th and then run for the next five consecutive weeks. But I only have less than 3 weeks to live so it created a dilemma ~ do I watch what I can and hope that my execution is put on hold until I’ve watched all 6 episodes, or do I just blow it off for now as I wouldn’t want to go to my grave left hanging to see how it all ends. 

More and more I’m confronting these dilemmas ~ finding myself making choices based on when my execution is scheduled. The other day I noticed that my toothpaste was getting low and normally, I would just buy another tube without a second thought. But instead I found myself contemplating whether what I had left might be stretched to last until February 11th as I didn’t want to waste the money buying a new tube, then be put to death and leave it wasted.

These are just a few of the examples of how even the smallest things that most wouldn’t give a second thought to will creep into mind and then I will find myself putting way too much thought into how that particular thing or event impacts my scheduled date with death.

                                                                    

Maybe that’s part of this deliberate process ~ to compel those awaiting their appointed date with death to be reminded that they intend to kill you every moment of every day until they do. Perhaps that “process” itself helps facilitate passivity in the condemned by instilling a sense of becoming part of that countdown, so that when the time does come, we will feel almost obligated to cooperate.

A few days ago the death watch supervisor came down and laid a brand new suit on the desk out in front of my cell. He has been assigned to this post for years and personally dealt with at least the last 30 executions ~ probably many more. In this environment, that wall of separation between prisoner and guard somewhat relaxes and there’s significantly more personal interaction if for no other reason but there’s no one else to talk to.

This supervisor (whom I’m deliberately not naming) exhibits a level of professionalism you very rarely see in the prison system. He deals with us in a fair and respectful manner, and takes good care of us. When our family and friends come for a visit, he will do what he can to make it easier on them. Often even introducing himself to our visitor and giving them his phone number in case they need to call if problems arise. When my mentally challenged daughter came to visit, he escorted her to the parking lot to make sure she got there alright. He is a model of professionalism balanced with that measure empathy towards those he interacts with that you just don’t expect from prison employees.

But when he brought that suit down, it made me realize just how much this job has taken from him. Most of us give no thought to how all this affects those who work here and interact with the condemned. They will spend months down here on death watch with us, knowing just as well as we do that with each day that passes we take one step closer to that date of our appointed death. How could all this not affect them too.

Yet he laid the bag containing the suit down on that desk and as if it was nothing more than getting a cup of water. He pulled the brand new suit from the bag and casually told me I needed to try it on to make sure it fits. I watched as he first took the white shirt from its plastic bag (George for men, size XL, short sleeves ~ long sleeves would obstruct their ability to insert the needles into my arms ~ with a neck of 18 inches). He unfolded the shirt, removing the store tags, then shook it out and passed it through the cell bars so that I could try it on.

As I obediently put this shirt on, he focused his attention on removing the suit from its protective bag. I noticed it was bought at the local JCPenney store. The tag said it was Stafford brand, made in Mexico, with a suggested retail price of $200. I commented about that ~ the prison would only allow a “last meal” limited to $40 , but they didn’t mind spending that much for a custom fitted suit to execute me in.

He passed the pants first and then the jacket through the bars and I put each on. They fit well. I even commented about how good I looked in the dark blue, almost black suit with the subtle charcoal pinstripes. And then I removed it and handed it back and it was returned to its protective bag and places in the closet where it would wait until it was time for me to put it on again ~ only the next time I put it on, they would kill me in it.

This whole process of trying on the suit they bought just to execute me in seemed so mundane; so normal. As if we went through this everyday. And I found myself wondering, how many times has he gone through this routine before and at what point did he reach that point in which having the condemned prisoner try on his execution suit become so routine?

On the legal front, the lawyers continue preparing and filing appeals based on the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision in Hurst v Florida. When that case first came out on February 12th I was somewhat skeptical, as I knew that it’s hard to convince the courts to retroactively apply new case law to older cases. (See, my essay “ Death by Default” posted January 28th at www.minutesbeforesix.com). However, after reading what the lawyers have filed I must admit that they make a very convincing argument as to why Hurst v Florida dictates that my death sentences be vacated and my execution stopped. Many other organizations are also submitting “Amicus” briefs in support, which is almost unheard of. Bottom line, there’s a good chance we can win this, but it will be close. The Florida Supreme Court will hold “oral arguments” on my case on Tuesday, February 2, 2016 which can be watched online at www.wfsu.org/gavel2gavel/

 

My Federal appeal arguing actual innocence also continues to be pursued in the Federal Courts. Anyone who wants to read the appeals that have been and will be filed can do so at www.southerninjustice.net. Hopefully, either the state or federal court will grant a stay of execution soon.

(Note: Indefinite stay of execution was granted on February 2, 2016)

Has it really been that long?

As I sit here writing this, today marks the day exactly 25 years ago when the state of Florida did all they could to kill me. It was on this day that I awoke in that solitary cell only a few steps away from that cold gray solid steel door that led into the execution chamber where Florida’s infamous electric chair awaited. Has it really been that long ago? It doesn’t seem that so many years have already passed. As I’ve always heard it, time passes quickly when you’re having fun, but I damned sure haven’t had a lot of fun over these many years.

When I look around me, not much has really changed. I still awake each day in a solitary cell not all that different from the one in which I waited to die, and I’m still awaiting the uncertainty of my faith, knowing only too well that on any day now the governor could get a wild hair up his spineless ass and sign a new death warrant on me and so many others, especially since our names are on the recently submitted “death warrant eligible” list.

But perhaps the one thing that has changed is that I don’t really care whether they do or not. Somewhere along this never ending journey that I’ve been on, any “fear” of them coming to kill me has long ago faded away. As the years passed, I’ve even awoken more than too many days all but praying to whatever God it was that long ago abandoned me and the countless other lost souls warehoused around me, and “prayed” that the nightmare would end, even if that meant ending it by my death.

You have to love that paradox – them that so zealously imposed death upon me, all but foaming at their mouths like rabid dogs, truly believed that I was supposed to be somehow afraid to die, maybe even drop down to my knees and beg for mercy knowing all too well that them, consumed by vengeance  are incapable of mercy. But in all thee years, not even once have I ever begged, and f they came to take me away tomorrow, I know I still wouldn’t beg and that the joke would be on them as I have long ago came to accept that if I cannot win my physical freedom through the politically corrupted courts (see www.southerninjustice.net ), then spiritual freedom from this hell that only man could create through physical death, would still be freedom.

Today I take a few minutes to look back on that long day and endless night when at 28 years old, I confronted my fate (you can read about my brush with death in my essays “The Day God Died” and also "Facing my own Execution" ) and thought was lucky to survive, only to learn that there truly are fates far worse than physical death – and that the quarter of a century that would follow that date with death would teach me only too well that had I known what I know today – that I would slowly rot away one day at a time and grow old and gray in a cold crypt of steel and stone, separated from and inevitably abandoned by all who once cared for me, I know without any doubt or a momentarily reservation that I would had made those cold blooded bastards kill me that day and spared myself the next 25 years.

But then again, even if I say those words, there’s that bigger part of me that, despite the circumstances, remains forever hopeful that the day will come when the corrupt courts will finally do the right thing and rule in my favor and after the long 30 years, I will find myself back out there in the real world, and allowed to live what’s left of my life as a free man.

Who knows what tomorrow might bring? But it’s the hope and dreams that keep all of us going. Sure, objectively speaking, anyone would agree that my life sucks. But no matter how bad it might get, there are countless others that are far worse. Although the negativity of my situation does drag me down at times, especially when I’m foolish enough to contemplate the circumstances. I also must remind myself that I am far more blessed than most of them I live among. Too many here in my world truly have been completely abandoned by all and as the years pass they retreat further and further into that dark shadow of their own minds, until one day all that remains is the flesh, as the mind and soul have slowly eroded away.

So, as I “celebrate” my 25^th anniversary of a continued life despite their never-ending attempts to end it, I realize that I do have a measure of freedom far greater than that many in the real world out there don’t have – I am free to choose how I want to deal with my fate. No matter what evil the cold blooded society might inflict on me, I alone am the gatekeeper, deciding for myself whether I will allow this solitary journey to eat away at who I am until all that remains is anger and hopelessness – or I can choose to laugh in the face of death and embrace this unique growth experience as it comes. And today, in this moment I do laugh and if they come to kill me tomorrow, I will laugh again. And as long as I can still laugh in the face of death, I know that I alone remain the master of my own life and nothing they can do will break me, as if the past 25 years has taught me anything, it is the measure of strength within myself, and I am stronger than they can ever hope to be, knowing that what does not kill me can only make me stronger and that at the end of the day the only absolute reality is death and nobody gets out alive.

Michael Lambrix