The
American Human Society often airs a TV commercial intended to tug on
the heartstrings of the viewer that shows a sad and pathetic looking dog
in a cage, it's misery and loneliness too obvious, and although
surrounded by rows of identical cages, each occupied by similar
abandoned and neglected and even abused dogs, that proximity to others
of its own kind does not negate that overwhelming sense of being alone
and forgotten as mere proximity to others can not satisfy that need for
companionship and emotional interaction.
People
are no different. Loneliness is not about our proximity to others, but
that absence of emotional interaction. In many ways those of us
condemned to death are like that sad and pathetic dog so desperate for
someone to come in it's life and give it the one thing it desires the
most..love.
In
a few of my recent blogs I mentioned in passing that I recently got
"dumped" by my girlfriend for no other reason but that it simply became
too much for her. A few months ago the Florida Supreme Court issued its
ruling in Mark Asay v State (December 22, 2017) in which they made it
clear that although the US Supreme Court declared earlier that same year
that Florida process that that allowed people to be sentenced to death
by a judge rather than a jury was unconstitutional in Hurst v Florida,
but left it up to the Florida Supreme Court to figure out how to apply
this landmark ruling, so in Asay v State the Florida Supreme Court said
that they will allow the death sentences of those sentenced after 2002
to get relief - but that those whose death sentences were final prior to
2002 would not get relief.
Because
I was sentenced to death in 1984, this meant that I would not get
relief. And on March 9, 2017 the Florida Supreme Court did issue the
decision in my case denying relief based upon what they said in Asay v
State - and the court also lifted my stay of execution.
Since
I wrote about that, several of my friends suggested that I write more
about the need for emotional interaction and how it makes me feel when
someone I'm close to becomes overwhelmed by the reality of the possible
imminent execution and jump ship. At first I was kind of reluctant as
this is a private issue - and I'm also concerned that some might think
bad about this particular person, which I think would be unfair to her
as I really do understand how hard it all is on those that care about
us, and in many ways it's probably harder on those that love us than it
is on us and so it's not fair to blame anybody if they reach that point
where they must walk away.
But
this is an issue that affects not just me, but most others here. We
live in a micro-community of solitary cells within close proximity to
others and yet still both physically and emotionally isolated. Myself, I
am far more blessed than most here as I do have my small circle of
forever friends and some of my family that write regularly and even
visit.
And
yet too often I still feel alone, and even abandoned - not at all
unlike the dog in that commercial, so desperate for love and a deeper
connection with someone as when it comes down to it, no matter how many
friends and family you may have around you, there's that need within
each of us for something deeper, that need to connect at an emotional,
and even spiritual level, with someone else.
As
I've previously written sometime ago, for many years I have posted on
the wall of my cell what I came to call my credo, it's words written
not to reflect my constant loneliness, but rather a reminder not to
become too emotionally vulnerable, as if there's one thing worse than
that sense of overwhelming loneliness, it's daring to open your heart up
to another only to have it yet again be crushed. My credo reads:
"I've
been to the dark side of hell and back again; I've journeyed through
life with nary a friend; I've laughed and I've cried; I've lived and
I've died - and each day that I awake I'm condemned to do it again, and
again"
Most
dictionaries define "hell" as a place of "extreme torment and misery",
and contrary to the contemporary image of hell as a physical place of
eternal suffering, most theologians subscribe to the belief that hell is
not a place of eternal damnation, but rather that eternal spiritual
state of being separated from the love of God.
That's
what it really comes down to...within each of us is this inherent need
to love and to be loved, and throwing a man in a solitary cage isn't
going to miraculously purge that need from within him.
But
like that dog in that cage that has been beaten down and abandoned too
many times it becomes that much harder to open up and to trust someone.
But few of us go through our lives without collecting our own scars of a
many broken heart and so we all know that nothing cuts deeper than
losing someone you love.
To
borrow from "the Bard" (Shakespeare): "it is far better to have loved
and and lost than to never have loved at all". Those that know me well
know that it wasn't so long ago that I was engaged to be married to
someone I thought would last forever, but shortly before we were to be
married in December 2013, Karen was diagnosed with terminal cancer and
within months, she passed away (please read: Elusive butterfly of love")
That hit me pretty hard and emotionally I shut down - I didn't want to
let anyone get that close to me again, I went through a really difficult
time and even all but wished and prayed that my own life would end.
When the governor signed my death warrant and scheduled my execution for
February 11, 2016, a big part of me welcomed it as it brought the hope
that my misery and suffering would finally be brought to an end, as I
couldn't imagine any hell that could be worse than the one that i
already lived in this life.
But
then at the most unexpected moment, someone did come along and so
quickly cut through all the emotional walls I so meticulously erected.
From the very first letter she shared an only too familiar pain, and she
too had stared into that abyss of death and suffering through a depth
of loneliness that cut down deep into her soul and through the almost
daily exchange of long letters we came to believe that we were kindred
spirits. Her letters renewed my strength and dared me to hope again, and
even dream of the day when I would no longer be in this solitary cell,
but be free and physically together - and then she was gone.
The
thing is, loneliness and suffering a broken heart is by no means
limited to being a condemned prisoner. The truth is that there's many
prisons in life, and my prison of steel and stone pales in comparison to
that suffered by so many, whether it be trapped in a loveless marriage,
or physically or emotionally imprisoned within ones self. Rather than
whine about a broken heart, I choose to be thankful for having that
opportunity to be loved, and to love again.
I
don't know what my future may yet hold. But I do know that no matter
what comes my way, I will get through it. And maybe there's someone out
there who also feels lonely and wants to reach out and take a
chance..you know what they say - the only sure cure for a broken heart
is to find a new love.
No comments:
Post a Comment