It's
been a full year now since my death warrant was signed, scheduling my
execution for February 11, 2016. Against the odds, I'm still alive
although my longterm fate remains uncertain. I was the 23rd death
warrant signed by Governor Scott and the 22 before me were all
executed...I am the first one to survive a death warrant under Governor
Scott.
Being
that I loosely subscribe to Christian values, although I make no secret
for my contempt of the hypocrisy of contemporary organized religion and
the way it has corrupted the fundamental values of true Christianity by
promoting hate and intolerance in the name of God.
At
times I wonder how deeply I might scar my own spiritual consciousness
when I find myself praying that those who so quickly judge me be then
judged by that same measure...could I be wrong when I do that? Or is
that what true justice is all about?
It's
been a difficult year and I've been incredibly blessed by my small
group of loyal friends who have gone above and beyond the call of duty
to keep my hope and strenght up. When I find myself wondering what true
grace is, I find my answer in them and I certainly don't deserve to be
blessed with that depth of genuine compassion they o generously extend.
And I know only too well that they are my strength, that without that
selfless support they've given, i would not have had the strenght to
make it through the past year.
When
I look back over the past year, what i realize is that this prolonged
uncertainty of my fate has not only touched me deeply, but it has
inflicted immeasurable pain upon those that care so deeply about me. I
can see it in the faces of my family when they visit as they anxiously
ask me for the latest updates and I can read it inthe letters of my
closest friends as they try so hard to avoid that proverbial "elephant
in the room", putting so much of themselves into trying to keep me
positive and keep that hope alive, and yet I can feel pain, and that
uncertainty that we all try to ignore.
But
then there's the hope - and good reason for hope too. While in the
larger context the death penalty in general seems to become less
popular, here in Florida there's good reason to believe that it is on
it's last leg and that any day now the Florida Supreme Court will
effectively vacate the majority of the death sentences. (Note: After Mike wrote this blog post the Florida Supreme Court ruled, read it here: the Florida Supreme Court decision of December 22, 2016
and more info here )
As
I write this blog, I feel confident that within the coming weeks my own
death sentence will be thrown out. But at the same time, I cannot shake
the reality that I am still under an active death warrant, and I am
still next in line for execution. I'm caught between those two extremes
and the prolonged uncertainty is itself a heavy weight that makes hope
difficult.
I
can't help but wonder whether many over there in society even give a
moments thought to this punishment they've inflicted. I'd like to think
that as a whole, we are a "civilized" society - that most people are
"good" in nature even if all of us are still imperfect creatures.
But
I'm troubled by the complete absence of debate specifically on how long
any indvidual should remain under an active death warrant and be forced
to endure that ever present threat of being put to death, I know only
too well that there will be those relatively few who will not hesitate
to say I alone am responsible - and if I have a problem with remaining
under an active death warrant so long that all I need to do is waive my
appeals and they'll gladly kill me tomorrow...and these are the same
people who want to call the condemned "evil".
But
what about the majority of others? Do they even give it a moments
thought at all? Here in America we are a constitutional democracy and as
such government power is limited to that which the majority allows.
Maybe this is what they meant when someone once said "ignorance is
bliss" as I don't think the majority even give it any thought - out of
sight, out of mind". I'd like to think that I do try to keep up with the
greater public debate on the death penalty but I cannot recall ever
hearing any debate on just how long any person should remain under an
active death warrant facing that imminent fear of death before it
crosses that moral line and amounts to torture.
And
then there is - that one word...torture. Funny thing about the way we
too often define what is, or is not, "torture" is that it comes down to
our own perspective. And if we as an individual or collective society
are the ones imposing a particular punishment upon someone we feel is
worthy of nothing less, then we conveniently insulate ourselves with
that whole "the end justifies the means" mentality. My punishment is
death and if keeping me under an active death warrant facing that
imminent threat of death for a year, or even longer, is what it takes to
inflict that punishment on me or any other, then it cannot possibly
amount up to "torture" as its obviously necessary to accomplish that
objective of inflicting death.
Not
long ago I read a book called "Imagine Heaven" by John Burke and it has
got me thinking a lot about these things. In this book it provided the
accounts of many people who had "near death experiences" and found
themselves peeking into the other side - a glimmer into Heaven, or for
some, a reality check in hell. But what impressed me the most was that
without exception, each person came away with the same truth...that what
effects our spiritual conciousness the most is not so much the sins
we've committed, but how our actions have impacted others.
The
pain we inflict upon others inevidibly becomes our own eternal pain.
There are many who, without even knowing anything about the facts of my
case (that evidence is readily available to substantiate my consistently
pled claim of innocence, but the courts refuse to allow it to be fully
heard on procedural grounds - please see. http://www.southerninjustice.net/
) are only too ready to advocate any measure of pain they can inflict
upon me. That is who they are. But there will always be those few who
have only hate in their hearts.
I'd
like to think that most would not condone a system that would keep any
person under an active death warrant for over a year. Id like to think
that the absence of opposition is the product of unawareness. I'd like
to think that as a society, individually and collectively, we are better
than that. But are we? I am still under an active death warrant.
